How Do Foods Without Nipples Make Milk?

“You can milk anything with nipples”

-Ben Stiller in Meet The Parents


“I have nipples Greg. Can you milk me?”

-Robert DeNiro’s response


As far as I can remember Jinxy the cat from Meet the Parents was not milked during the movie, but this does bring up something that I have pondered about.

How do foods without nipples make milk? It seems all the rage right now to avoid milk from the cow or goat and grab a bottle of almond milk instead. However, last time I checked almonds, cashews, hemp, hazelnuts or coconuts did not have any nipples (unless they were under a coconut bikini top).


These types of milks are really being touted as health foods and superfoods even, but this is something that I can just not get on board with. Before I dive into my thoughts on this, I first want to defend milk a little bit:

  • Clean, local, raw sources can be packed with nutrition
    • Loads of fat soluble vitamins
    • Not fortified with vitamins like milk from stores
    • Great balance of fats, proteins and carbs
  • It is not milks fault if you are allergic or intolerant to it
    • So please don’t vilify it
    • Let those who can drink it, enjoy it
  • Only 1 ingredient needed: Milk


Now I do not want to hate on nut milks because if they work for you then you should certainly continue to consume them.

It is more about bringing awareness to real milk and showing that it is not the devil unless it comes from a pasteurized, homogenized large commercial source. To make sure that you are getting the most of your nut milks, here would be a few tips to go by:

  1. Do not use store bought nut milks
  2. See tip #1
  3. If you are not going to make your own, then I cannot stand behind them.
  4. When making at home make sure to soak nuts properly to help break down phytates and other anti-nutrients
  5. Don’t strain it. You went through all that work to put a whole food in your body and now you want to remove a good chunk of it
  6. Beware of adding too much sugar to make it palatable. A little local raw honey, maple syrup or a few dates can go a long way as sweeteners
  7. Look up a good recipe for your favorite type of nut and enjoy


I still would highly recommend real milk over nut milks, but to each his or her own. Eat what works best for you and let your health grow.


Have a Great Day!

Nick Horowski